Embracing My Journey ~ Living with passion & purpose!

These past few days seem to be a blur….almost as if the events were surreal.  Less than a week ago I celebrated my birthday and at the end of the day I posted on facebook, thanking everyone for the birthday wishes, and sharing that the only thing missing was hearing my dad’s beautiful tenor voice singing “Happy Birthday” to me.  For on my birthday, he lay in his bed, illness consuming him, his mind fading, unable to care for himself, he was waiting to die.  I have known for the past few months that his time was near and there were days when I saw how much pain he was in and I prayed for his peace and comfort, but there is a huge difference between knowing someone will pass on and when it actually occurs.  Two days after my birthday, my dad left this earth and my world will never be the same.

I spent the first few days keeping busy.  If something needed to be done, I did it and in some cases, did it twice.  For it is when I take a moment to slow down, that I realize my father is really gone and that pain hurts worse than anything I have ever felt in my life. He was not the best of father’s over the years, and he did things that I am certain if he could change he would have, but he was the dad I was dealt and I was the daughter he was dealt.  And together we made it work.  He moved to Texas to be near to us in 2004 and those first few years were really good, sort of making up for lost time.  Dad and my daughter, Sami, developed a beautiful relationship and I can only hope and pray that she is old enough to have those memories in her heart forever.  Their favorite “game” was sharing cheesecake and they both ate so fast as to see who could get to the last bite first.  On days when she visited by herself I would return to his apartment to find them watching “Spongebob Squarepants” instead of the football game dad would have preferred.  His reasoning, “it makes her happy to watch cartoons, so we watch cartoons.”  They had several years of good memories and I had a lot of fun watching him be the grandfather Sami deserved.

It was only last year when his body began to fail.  After 83 years, he was growing tired and symptoms began to be more pronounced.  Doctors believed he developed something called Lewy Body Dementia (http://www.lbda.org) which in very simple terms is a combination of Parkinsons and Dementia symptoms.  He fought for a while and managed to have another year where, although his body was going his mind was still strong.  We joked that a caregiver should not enter his room unless they had 45 minutes to an hour to sit and talk with him as he still had the gift of gab.  In early October of this year we knew dad was starting to slip and that he required more one-on-one care that the nursing home could offer, so we moved him into a private home setting where he was doted upon by several lovely ladies, day and night.  At this time his mind began to go as well and we watched dad go from helping caregivers to care for him to being 100% dependent on caregivers for everything from eating to toileting and for a proud man such as himself, it was difficult to watch.  We employed hospice and his last two months were hopefully as pain free as they could be, at least for him.

For me, it was very difficult to watch for I knew that there was no recovery from this illness and that one day my phone would ring and the news would come.  That day was December 6, 2008.  I woke and began to go about my day, about to wake Sami for her Saturday activities, I noticed that there was a voicemail message on my phone. I played the message and as I heard the caregivers voice, I knew.  “Your dad has taken a turn, please call us” was the message she had left in the early hours before dawn.  I immediately returned the call, but it was too late, dad had left this world for the next only moments before.   I woke Sami to share the news and asked if she wanted to come with me to say good-bye.  In her sleepy voice she told me that she had “happy memories of grandpa” and did not want to make the trip with me.  I respected her decision and went alone to say my final good-bye.

Today is the memorial service for my father, family and friends have been sharing their fond memories and kind words, all nice to hear…but I continue with my silent prayer….that in time this cloud of sadness will lift as I miss him terribly….

In gratitude,
Caryn

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 10th, 2008 at 7:49 am and is filed under Caryn's writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.