Embracing My Journey ~ Living with passion & purpose!

As the sun sets and night begins to fall, I cannot help but think about my dad.  Tomorrow would have been his 85th birthday, and since 2004 I have been able to celebrate his special day with him in person as he lived only a few miles from my home here in Texas.  Since his death on December 6th, 2008, I think about him a lot.  I find myself picking up the phone to call him and tell him something funny, or share photos from Sami’s skating events.  We drive thru the town he lived in and the first thing I think of is “we should stop by and see him” then I remember he’s not there to visit.  A year ago, just before his 84th birthday I was considering taking a trip out of town.  I told him about it and said, “the only thing is if I go I’ll miss your birthday….but we can celebrate when I come home the next day.”  He was fine with that and told me not to worry as he would be here for lots more birthdays.  If I only knew that was going to be his last one, would I have changed my plans?  Maybe, maybe not, as he probably would have told me it’s okay, we’d have many more days together.  By October of 2008, I knew in my heart that my dad would not be here thru the end of the year and I made it a point to spend as much time with him as I could, even though by then, his mind was going and there were many moments when he didn’t know who I was.  I vividly remember the day he told me that “they keep putting photos of people I don’t know in my room” and was referring to a photo of me taken just a few years ago.  The realization of his decline, his loss of memory and the closeness of his death became very apparent to me on this day.

From that point forward I made sure the main focus of the doctors and nurses was to keep him as comfortable as possible, do what they can to keep infection at bay and keep him nourished.

My daughter’s 8th birthday was in November and we celebrated by bringing him cake and ice cream.  Sami danced around his room, sang to him and fed him the few bites he would eat.  She told me when we left that she too knew that this was the last time she would celebrate with her grandpa here on earth.

All I could do was pray that he made it thru to my birthday, as I was not ready to let him go.  He did make it, although by that time he was a shell of the man I once knew as my father.  As each day passed, I prayed that he was comfortable and at peace.  On December 5th, a former caregiver drove by the home he was living in and felt compelled to stop by and say hello.  They sat together, sang (as best as he could) with her, laughed and it appeared he had gotten some of his strength back.  As the evening came, no one knew how close to death he really was.  I awoke the next morning to a phone call, the voice on the other end saying “I’m sorry, your father has passed.”  It was like being kicked full-force in the stomach, I’ll never forget that feeling of emptiness that overcame me.  I rushed to dress and made my way to his home.  My daughter chose to pass on coming with me, saying “I have my memories of grandpa mommy, so it’s okay if you go alone.”

I spent the next few hours packing his things, talking to him as I walked his room in a daze.  It was when the coroner came to pick him up that I realized I’d never see him again.  I said my good-byes and they took him away…..

Tomorrow will be the first of many birthdays my father will not have here on earth.  I pray that as each year passes it will get easier to deal with February 27…and maybe soon the time will come when I can get thru the day without crying, without feeling the loss so deeply and to be able to celebrate the life of the man I knew as my father.

Wherever you are dad, I know you know I love and miss you terribly….I continue to keep a watchful eye for your “presence” in my life daily, as I know you are with me wherever I go.

In gratitude,
Caryn

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From that point forward I made sure the main focus of the doctors and nurses was to keep him as comfortable as possible, do what they can to keep infection at bay and keep him nourished.

My daughter’s 8th birthday was in November and we celebrated by bringing him cake and ice cream.  Sami danced around his room, sang to him and fed him the few bites he would eat.  She told me when we left that she too knew that this was the last time she would celebrate with her grandpa here on earth.

All I could do was pray that he made it thru to my birthday, as I was not ready to let him go.  He did make it, although by that time he was a shell of the man I once knew as my father.  As each day passed, I prayed that he was comfortable and at peace.  On December 5th, a former caregiver drove by the home he was living in and felt compelled to stop by and say hello.  They sat together, sang (as best as he could) with her, laughed and it appeared he had gotten some of his strength back.  As the evening came, no one knew how close to death he really was.  I awoke the next morning to a phone call, the voice on the other end saying “I’m sorry, your father has passed.”  It was like being kicked full-force in the stomach, I’ll never forget that feeling of emptiness that overcame me.  I rushed to dress and made my way to his home.  My daughter chose to pass on coming with me, saying “I have my memories of grandpa mommy, so it’s okay if you go alone.”

I spent the next few hours packing his things, talking to him as I walked his room in a daze.  It was when the coroner came to pick him up that I realized I’d never see him again.  I said my good-byes and they took him away…..

Tomorrow will be the first of many birthdays my father will not have here on earth.  I pray that as each year passes it will get easier to deal with February 27…and maybe soon the time will come when I can get thru the day without crying, without feeling the loss so deeply and to be able to celebrate the life of the man I knew as my father.

Wherever you are dad, I know you know I love and miss you terribly….I continue to keep a watchful eye for your “presence” in my life daily, as I know you are with me wherever I go.

In gratitude,
Caryn

If what you just read inspired, motivated or touched you in any way, don’t miss another post…click here to subscribe to my RSS feed!

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2009 at 7:47 pm and is filed under Caryn's writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.